Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.
~ Anatole France
When I lost my beloved orange tabby, Steven, to a blood disorder last July, I knew my life would never be the same. A feral kitten from the yards behind our house, he fit in the palm of my hand and I raised him from a bottle. I was the first living thing he saw after his mother, and I was the last thing he saw when he died in my arms that heartbreaking summer night. Curled up in my lap, as he had been so many nights throughout the years, Steven took all the strength he had left in his little body, and lifted his head to look deep into my eyes. We both knew. I kissed his little face one more time, and said what I had always said to him: “Steven, the Sun and the Moon and the stars rise and set with you. They always have and they always will …” Just then he drew two short, deep breaths and his head fell slowly into my arms. He was gone.
Steven was more than a pet to me – when I first moved to San Francisco from the Silicon Valley, I had just graduated college, and within the past year I had lost my mother to a stroke and my boyfriend to an inherited heart disease. I was withdrawn and depressed and pretty self-destructive when he came into my life; it was as if he’d been placed in my path for a reason – it was hard to focus on myself when a tiny creature needed my constant attention just to survive. It turned out that I needed him as much as he needed me, and we forged a bond that only someone who has loved an animal companion that deeply could understand.
Veterinarian Sherman Wong of Blue Cross Pet Hospital had been Steven’s doctor since his first shots. After the diagnosis, Dr. Wong told me that Steven likely had only a few months to live. Days later I ended up getting a horrible cold, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise – I was housebound for nearly a month, a month when Steven still felt well, and we spent hours together watching bad TV under a blanket on the couch.
I knew I wanted another animal in my life, but I also knew I couldn’t be fair to another cat so soon. I knew that nothing and no one could ever replace Steven, but I also knew that if I didn’t open my heart to another animal, it would become more bruised and battered with each passing day. I had to do something positive to stay positive for Steven. Over the next few months, while Steven was sleeping peacefully on his pillow, I began looking at dogs on Petfinder.com.
I knew I wanted a female pit bull, but after looking every day at profiles of many adorable dogs, I still hadn’t seen “my dog.”
Steven passed away just before the August deadline, so, as devastated
as I was, I had to focus on the newspapers, which was probably a good
thing. It really hit me the Friday morning after the papers went to the
printer – a day that had always been “our day.” I would call Bambino’s
restaurant and order a pizza for me, and a side of grilled chicken
breast for Steven, then we’d curl up on the couch and watch a Court TV
marathon of Forensic Files. I tried, that first Friday after deadline
without him, to follow the routine, but when I ordered my pizza and the
woman asked, “No chicken for Steven?” I burst into tears. Unable to
watch Forensic Files or eat a pizza, I sat down at the computer and
went to PetFinder.com. I typed “female pit bull” in the search boxes
and there she was – a five-month old Petey/Nipper look-alike, a mix of
mostly pit bull and a little Australian shepherd, with bright blue eyes
and the same insolent expression on her face as Steven had the first
time I held him in the palm of my hand. I filled out the adoption form
and someone from the shelter called me immediately.
“We just put
her up there a few minutes ago,” she said, “and we couldn’t believe it
when we got your application. You’re perfect, and that almost never
happens with pit bulls.”
Since that fateful August day, “Jasmine Blue” and I have been inseparable. Like Steven, she came into my life when I needed her most, and when I needed to be needed most of all.
Like the lyrics from the song “Closing Time” by the band Semisonic say: “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” Jazzy will never replace Steven, but she has found a new place in my heart that grows bigger every day.
